Function: House Call

Pre-Script: Once again, between work and school, my reviews have suffered drastically. I will try to get up at least one a week; I'm hoping we can break the 100 review mark before the end of the year. My apologies, keep reading, and submit suggestions! Thanks, WiseGuise.

I found this at a local retailer of all things dented, damaged, discontinued and bizarre, but it can be found elsewhere, like Albertson's, for around $1.30. After another lengthy stay in my refrigerator, I cracked this open and gave it the usual smell test, which hinted at more of a lemonade than a tea. And then I drank it. Drum roll?

I was a little blown away by this drink after my last encounter with Function, which didn't impress me much flavor-wise. This one is great, it had a sweet, mildly citrus flavor, and a smooth almost milky texture. It was unlike any other 'honey green-tea' I have ever had before. Sugars come in at 24 grams a 16.9 oz bottle, not great, but still not Coke status.
Ingredients & Info.

Although it's a green tea, it is caffeine free, also 'Physician Developed' and packed with more vitamins and antioxidants than an Orange County housewife preparing for her next botox injection. Overall, this has been one of my favorite Function drinks, and I plan on sampling more in the future.

Score: 4.5 out of 5.

-- WiseGuise

Amazake Rice Shake - Go Hazelnuts

Amazake & Sake Bottle, cir. Aug 2008

This was the epitome of impulse buys for me - it was expensive, and I already had everything I came to the store for, but something about that bottle just seemed to call to me... maybe it was the hazelnut flavor. Maybe it was the name Amazake. Maybe it was subliminal advertising. Whatever it was, I gave it a shot.

Down to the nitty-gritty: like any drink that touts itself as high energy, this has a whole lot of sugar in it. 31 grams in just one cup of this stuff. (One 12 oz can of coke has 39g). Wowza. That is this drink's Achilles Heel. But the ingredients are simple enough, I like that. There are only five: organic rice, hazelnuts, vanilla, hazelnut flavor, and a bit of xanthan gum for kicks. (Actually, it makes it thicker and shake-y).

And the taste? Oooh, this is so hazelnutty-good. After sip number two, I was hooked. It has a rich, smooth hazelnut and vanilla flavor that is a little too perfect. Just the right consistency, and surprisingly, it doesn't taste all that sweet, despite all the sugar. Speaking of which, where the hell is the sugar?! I had to look at the ingredients again to be sure, but no sweetener is listed - it's just rice, nuts, and flavoring...

I was about to panic, but then I realized that "Oh, hey, it says on the label it's 'Naturally Sweet from the Rice Itself'". Wow. You can tell, too, because it lacks the flavor of any of the usual sweeteners. This piqued my curiosity, so I went to consult the magical interwebs. It was then my privledge to learn all about the traditional Japanese beverage amazake, from which this drink gets its name. Amazake is a sweet, low-alcohol beverage in Japan that is reknowned as a health drink. They combine certain rice grains cause the carbohydrates to be broken down into simple sugars, and voila! Natural rice-sugar. Oh, those Japanese!

Rating: 4.5 out of 5, the .5 docked because of the high (albeit natural) sugar. You're in for a real treat, just don't drink the stuff like it was bottled water, allright?

- Danithius -

PS, just found the website: http://www.grainaissance.com/amazake.html

Honest Ade - Limeade

This is my second organic, lime-flavored drink review; see my Talking Rain review. Now, as much as I like the flavor of lime, I may have high expectations from these ades, so it may color my review slightly, but I try to remain objective.

Smelling this is like sticking a freshly sliced lime up your nose, it's that potent. The flavor, however, seems a bit watered down, more so than my previous review. It still tastes just fine, and it is 'just a tad sweet' like Honest Ade proudly prints on their label, but I was hoping for a bit more lime flavor, some tartness, and this lacked that.

It's only Purified water, organic cane sugar, organic lime juice, organic lemon juice, natural lime flavor, organic lemon extract. With all that, you'd think it would be more limey. However, there was a tiny bit of pulp at the bottom, I'm only assuming that is just some of the 'natural lime flavor' (methinks lime peel).

Would I drink it again over any other sugar-laden ade? Sure. Would I wish it had more of a kick? Probably. Should I just shut up and review another drink? Yup.

Score: 4 out of 5.

-- WiseGuise