Function: Urban Detox: Citrus-Prickly Pear

I apologize for my lengthy absence, as I was unfairly detained by a large beverage company for my negative stance on their beverages. However, I am free now, and will continue in my pursuit of tasty Fructose-free Libations. Also, being in the Spirit of Originality, I am going to take on my own personal style to my posts, as Sir Danithius has.

The Good: I picked up this drink at a local grocery store for approximately a buck thirty, intrigued by it's simple packaging and lofty claims. Apparently, this drink can "Fight hangovers and rid your lungs and sinuses of airborne pollutants." I mean, wow. Several months later, after rescuing it from the back of my refrigerator, I actually drank it. It has a faint orange smell, like orange Kool-Aid or orange gummy-bears, without the chemical overtones.

The Bad: Although it goes down nicely, it tastes a like orange Kool-Aid as well, which is not so good. It also leaves an aftertaste, something like licking orange peels, which stays with you like a hangover. It gave me a bit of cottonmouth, possibly connected with the Cruzan & Coke downed previously.

The Ugly: I was already nearing an inebriated state when I fished this drink out of the sticky depths of my bachelor food-keeper, so I was not able to test the veracity of this drink, for which I apologize. Another blogger tried, see what he says here. As for my overall impression, I doubt I would buy this particular drink again based on the taste, although I will keep it in mind on the morn' following my next bender.

Ingredients and all that

-- WiseGuise

Talking Rain Sparkling Water (four flavors)

The Rant: So I see a case of this stuff at CostCo, and I'm like, "Hey, cheap water", so I decide to try it out. (I had a party coming up and I needed beverages). It doesn't have sugar, so I was anticipating some kind of carbonated MetroMint. If only I could be so lucky.

Where to start? This stuff has an intense carbonation, like some kind of bubbly fruit-flavored acid. Oh, and the fruit flavors. The flavors in the case I got were Tangerine, Berry, Lemon-Lime, and Natural...usually I'd do a review of each one, but this case is a special exception.

All of these flavors tasted like they were formulated by someone who got fired from the Kool-aid corporation. Seriously, flavor scientists at the Blo-pop lab would be insulted by this. Even the "Natural" flavor tastes like it was artificially flavored to taste like water.

So, long story short, it was a big hit with all of my friends, who only managed a couple sips of their bottles before throwing it away. I dunno, if you're one of those Tonic Water people, you might like this, but we had a real hard time choking it down. So, we had to find other ways to get rid of it...


Ingredients: Carbonated water, death.

Rating: 1/5 (1 point for not killing me)

Honest Kids Berry Berry Good Lemonade

First things first: I apologize for our truancy. WiseGuise and I had a month-long blog writer's retreat and healthy drinks advocacy conference to attend.
You'll also notice that this review format has changed format a bit from our previous entries. Comments and suggestions will be met with loving apathy.

The Rant: I never realized pouch drinks had come so far. They even have their own brigade. Almost every single ingredient is certified organic, so if you want to turn your kids into tree-huggers this is a good place to start. No, seriously, on the back of the box it talks about Honest Kids' partnership with the Arbor Day Foundation and has a little blurb on why trees are important for us. (My view is, kill them before they kill us. You know they would if they got the chance).

But when it comes down to it, which would you rather have on your packaging: a couple eco-friendly blurbs of text, or the veritable orgy of commercialism that is the norm nowadays? I'm still trying to shake off the subliminal effects of the '89 Cap'n Crunch ad campaign.

So is it healthy? Well, let's compare with other products out there. Honest Kids has 10 grams of (organic cane) sugar for about a 7-oz pouch. Capri Sun, for example, has about double that in its original pouch drinks. They used to have even more, but cut back by 25% recently, maybe in response to drinks like this?

OK, so how does it taste? It's got a nice but very mild flavor. It may seem like water at first for those who are used to the sugar-blasted drinks out there, but it does grow on you. I think if they could pump up the flavor on this it would be a home-run. Take a lesson from SoBe LifeWater - they have even less sugar than this (10g per 8 ounces) and yet I get the sense that it tastes sweeter and has a fuller flavor than Honest Kids does.

Ingredients: Purified water, organic cane sugar, organic lemon juice concentrate, organic lemon extract, organic cranberry juice concentrate, vitamin C (ascorbic acid), organic berry flavor, purple carrot juice (color).

Price: about $4 for 8 packs at local health food store. Available Online.

Rating: 3.5/5

-Danithius